My Immortal
by Kaslyna
Summary: A short drabble about Jack McCoy and how he's dealing with Alexandra Borgia's death, as well as a sad surprise.


_I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone_

The pain was worse the second time around. It had been ten years since Claire's death, and now Alexandra. Alex. _His _Alex. He wanted to _feel _something. He couldn't; all there is a dull ache in his chest. If Jack McCoy could cry forever, he would; if he could run until he collapsed, he would; if he could drink himself into a coma, he would. He loved her. Maybe not the same way as Claire, but he loved her. When Claire had died years ago, he had been saving up for an engagement ring that she'd admired in a magazine. He had almost had enough cash, and had planned to buy the ring the weekend after she died. Alex was different; they had gone slowly, though it was, as corny as it sounded, love at first sight. Alex had been afraid, dating an older man; she'd had her fair share of bastards and didn't want another on her list. Jack was scared, because the last time he had let himself fall in love, Claire had been killed. He knew it was _his _fault, though everyone tried to assure himself it wasn't; Jack had called Claire, asked her to pick him up… and she had _died _because of his request.

The shrill tone of his cell phone abruptly ends his brooding, and he picks it up: it's M.E. Rodgers.

"Yes?" he sighs.

"Jack, come here, please," she says.

"Why?"

"…It's better if I told you in person, Jack," she whispers quietly.

"All right, fine, be there soon," he promises, hanging up.

Jack shrugs into his coat, taking his umbrella, as it is raining. _How appropriate_, he thinks to himself, a wry smile appearing on his face.

Jack takes the subway to the M.E.'s office, walking the last three blocks in the pouring rain, the muggy April air making him tired.

"Hello," she greets him.

"Is this about Alexandra?"

"Sort of…" her face contorts into a grimace.

"What is it?" he asks softly, afraid of what she's going to say.

"She was pregnant, Jack," the M.E. says, "I'm so sorry…"

"H-how far was she?" Jack barely manages to choke out.

"My guess is about sixteen weeks," the medical examiner places her hand on his arm.

Jack is sobbing now; he's always been strong, and he thought he could handle it; however, he wasn't prepared for _this_.

"Did the baby…?" his voice falters; he wants to know if it lived outside Alexandra's womb.

M.E. Rodgers nods sadly, "She probably went into labor during the beatings… my guess is, she gave birth, and they killed the baby."

"I want them dead."

"Who doesn't?" she snorts.

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

"Are you sure about this?" the guard asks, but Jack nods.

"What did you do with her baby?" Jack growls at the two bastards.

"Give us a deal and we'll tell," Vincent grins sadistically.

"You've now murdered _ten _people, if that baby took a breath outside Alexandra! Do you _really _want 25- at the _least_ –more years in prison?" he screams.

"Nope," Ricky rolls his eyes, and Jack glares at him.

"Shouldn't our lawyer be present?" Vincent asks.

"Don't be a smartass, I _need to know if her baby lived or not_!" Jack is on the verge of tears.

"What's it to you, old man?" Ricky sneers.

"That was _my _baby, too, and I _need _to know, as a father. Please?"

Vincent nods to Ricky.

"We were asking where the hell Andreas was, and then she started screaming bloody murder. We ripped off the tape, slapped her, and she kept sobbing, 'My water broke, my baby! My baby!' so Vincent and I pressed down on her stomach until she finally gave birth, and then Vincent crushed it with his foot… She started to cry, and then that's when we put her in the car…"

"Was it a boy or a girl?"

"A boy," Vincent says.

"Where is he?"

"A warehouse in Brooklyn."

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

"We found it," the CSU tech alerts Jack.

"It's not an _it_, he's my son!" Jack snaps, "Sorry."

He looks at the tiny body; it's so broken and distorted he breaks down and cries.

The CSU tech puts him in Jack's arms; he says, "Thank you."

She nods, leaving him.

"Hey, baby," he breathes onto the lifeless body, "I wish I could've have known you better, little buddy, but you're with your mommy now, and I can't wait to see you both."

"You ready to leave?"

"Not yet… I really want to be alone with my son for a little while," Jack sighs.

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

"I was right," M.E. Rodgers announces, "He lived outside of Alexandra's womb."

"For how long?" Jack can barely form the words.

"I'd say a good five or six minutes," she says, "Even if they hadn't murdered him, Jack, he had such a low chance of survival."

"I'd rather he had died naturally."

"So would I."

"I want those bastards to get the death penalty," Jack is overcome with grief now.

"You should take some time off, Jack," the medical examiner says softly.

"Why? What's the point anymore?" he snaps.

"You have to plan their funerals with Alexandra's parents."

"I don't see why I should live," he sinks onto a nearby chair, burying his head in his hands.

"Alexandra would want you to live," Rodgers says quietly.

"I feel so bad, I feel like I cheated on Claire with Alexandra, and now our baby… he's dead! As if this couldn't get much worse," Jack sighs.

"We both know Claire wanted you to move on and be happy, and besides… Alexandra _needs _you to be strong. They're all watching over you, Jack… Claire, Alex, and your son."

"I'm naming him Gabriel."

"That's pretty," Rodgers says enthusiastically, "Why are you naming him that?"

"It's Alex's favorite name, and besides… even if he's dead, he _needs _an identity."

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along_

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fear

"I have one request," Jack says softly to her parents.

"What's that?" they ask.

"I'd like Gabriel buried in New York," Jack pleads.

"Who's Gabriel?"

"She was pregnant when she died, and Gabriel is our son… please, you can bury Alexandra near you, but as a parent, I _beg_ you to let me have my son near me."

"That's fine," her mother smiles sadly.

"Thank you," Jack's smile is broken.

"You're welcome."

_And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me, me, me_

"Hello, Gabriel," Jack smiles sadly as he places the bouquet of roses on his son's grave, "Happy first birthday, little buddy."

It was April 26, 2007, a year since Alexandra had died.

"I can't believe you're so big," he smiles as he sits beside his son's grave.

"How are you and your mommy? Things are fine here, but I miss you guys so much. I'm sure you're both happy, though."

"I love you, sweetie," he cries.


End file.
